We are pleased to share an article entitled “Self-Kindness As A Coaching Tool ~ Building Resilience in an unkind culture“ written by Emma-Louise Elsey.
We all need more kindness! We live in a world of increasing unkindness: war, greed, abuse of power, and damage to our local and natural environments, to name a few.
The news and social media share terrible things with us every day. And there’s been a decline in respectful communication – especially online – with an increase in hatred, insults, intolerance and divisiveness.
And we’re unkind to ourselves, too. Many people ignore their needs, packing so much into their lives – both work and play – that they’re constantly rushing, stressed or overwhelmed.
So where do we find the resilience and strength to deal with it all? How do we stay engaged? The answer is kindness.
More and more people are embracing kindness. It’s seen by many as a refreshing antidote to both the online space and cutthroat world of business. And it sits well with the younger generations who expect more ‘care’ and corporate responsibility from their leaders and employers.
KINDNESS & COACHING
What does kindness have to do with coaching? Well, how many of your clients are stressed or overwhelmed? And how many of your clients are upset or frustrated with the state of their workplace, families, communities or world?
People want a kinder world. And that kinder world starts with being kind to ourselves. Taking better care of ourselves leads us to become a more patient and understanding partner, friend, colleague and parent. And there are many other benefits, too.
But giving ourselves kindness is something many clients – and coaches – struggle with. It’s a topic that runs surprisingly deep, bringing up limiting beliefs around self-worth, cultural expectations, self-judgement, gender norms and expectations, etc.
So people really benefit from coaching support as they learn to be kind to themselves. And the best place to start is by helping our clients understand – and personally connect to – the benefits of self-kindness for them (see sidebar at right).
HOW TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF
When I used to suggest that my stressed clients be kind(er) to themselves, most of them would literally stop, think for several seconds and ask, “How?”
But they weren’t asking to brainstorm ideas with me (choosing self-kindness actions is the easy part). I learned that my clients literally did not understand what being kind to yourself means.
And this is where coaches come in. Because our clients need to overcome the two big challenges of self-kindness:
- Recognizing when they need kindness.
- Believing that they deserve it enough to take action.
WHEN TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Ideally, we should be kind to ourselves all the time – and we can work towards that. But you can’t be kind to yourself if you don’t know that you need it. Awareness is the first step. But all too often our clients are tired, rushing around with a jam-packed schedule. And because we live in a society that devalues self-care – and rewards hard work, sacrifice and achievement – we’re really good at ignoring what we feel and soldiering on.
So the easiest way to help our clients get started with self-kindness is to learn their “stress signals” or “tells” – a fabulous early-warning system that lets us know it’s time to take care of ourselves.
There are four key categories of stress signals: physical, emotional, thinking and behavioral (see sidebar below). Once our clients recognize they’re stressed, this becomes the signal to be kind to themselves – and take action!
THE PACT PROCESS
Now your client is ready for the four-step PACT self-kindness process: Pause, Ask, Choose, Time. This simple acronym helps your clients make a PACT to be kind to themselves and take action.
- PAUSE: Connect to yourself. Breathe. Notice and acknowledge what you’re feeling.
- ASK: What do I most want and need right now? What would self-kindness look like? Be open to hearing whatever your body/mind has to say. It’s OK to have several ideas!
- CHOOSE: Decide what you’ll do for yourself.
- TIME: Either take action now or make a commitment to yourself exactly when you’ll do it.
SELF-KINDNESS TAKES COURAGE
All around us, we continually see and experience a lack of care: of ourselves, of each other and of our world.
Too many of our clients are used to ignoring their bodily signals, dismissing inconvenient and awkward feelings, and pushing through tiredness and sickness to achieve, meet deadlines, get that promotion or not let others down.
That’s because we live in a society (especially in the business world) that sees kindness as weak, ‘soft’ or childish. So being kind to ourselves can feel really uncomfortable.
It takes a lot of courage to stop, face your limiting beliefs and fears, listen to what you need – and then do it.
HOW COACHES CAN HELP
Self-kindness helps our clients manage the stresses of modern-day life and work. And it helps make the world a better place, because as people treat themselves more kindly, they treat others more kindly.
Coaches can make a big difference in our world by helping clients overcome their fears and enjoy all the benefits of being kind to themselves (see sidebar above).
Begin by helping your clients understand the power of self-kindness, recognize when they need it, share the four-step PACT process, and help them overcome any limiting beliefs that get in the way.
Let’s continue the conversation by connecting with your colleagues on our Facebook page
