We are pleased to share an article entitled “From Me to We ~ How relational questions help your clients make deeper connections“ written by Carrie Sackett.
No matter what kind of coaching we do, we are seeing more clients struggle with feelings of disconnection, imposter syndrome and loneliness. Clients’ emotional well-being is becoming integral to good transformational coaching.
Incorporating relational questions into our practice empowers clients to experience making a deeper connection with us in the moment. Once they get familiar with doing it, they then become able to apply those questions to their interactions with others. The result is increased client confidence in building powerful, authentic connections in all areas of their lives.
Relationality is a concept drawn from science into human relations. It is grounded in the sociality of our species – the fact that we are always impacting on others, and others are always impacting on us.
The ways we learn, grow and express emotion are woven into our interactions with others. This concept is so important that thought leaders are discussing it, including Johann Hari, author of Lost Connections; Batja Mesquita, author of Between Us; New York Times columnist David Brooks; and Wharton professor Adam Grant.
Indeed, the quality and nature of our relationships deeply influence our mental and emotional health, and therefore how we show up at home and at work.
WHAT ARE RELATIONAL QUESTIONS?
Relational questions are a practical expression of our human sociality. They are “we-based” questions acknowledging that “we” – the coach and client(s) – are doing things together as we explore what the client has brought to the session. We are creating a conversation and building a relationship. How we do those activities contributes greatly to how the session unfolds.
Coaching’s commitment to co-creation facilitates learning and asking relational questions of our clients. Here’s one that I look to ask during a first client session: “What’s it like for you to be sharing this with me?”
Adding the “with me” acknowledges that we are here together, building our connection. And if we can see that we are in relationship, we might be curious how we are impacting on each other. Relational questions enable the coach to quickly build trust, as clients often feel strong confirmation in being seen and heard.
Relational questions also invite the client into a form of presence which helps them explore beyond their current thinking. They encourage clients to stretch, to try saying something they may not have considered saying beforehand. Typically. clients respond with statements like, “Gee, no one has ever asked me that before” or “It’s a relief to be sharing with you.” Whatever the response, it then becomes material for coach and client to build with.
SHIFTING FROM ME TO WE
Everywhere we look – as coaches and clients – we are directed to operate in “me” thinking. How am I feeling inside? How well am I managing my thoughts in my head? Am I self-regulating enough?
But what if looking inside is not the whole story?
When we instead adopt a “we” lens, we are better able to see and appreciate the group – the sum that is greater than the individual parts. We know how to do it when watching sports teams, listening to an orchestra or enjoying the performance of a theater ensemble. It’s harder to see ourselves as ensemble members. We have to look “outside” to see it. If we apply the “we” lens in coaching, then a group, team, couple, family, or even one-to-one work embodies a sum greater than its individual parts.
Consider the difference between saying to a client, “How was that to say out loud” and “How was that to say to me?” The first question puts the emphasis on the client hearing themselves; the second emphasizes that the client is being heard by and impacting on the coach. It acknowledges that the coach and client are building a group (of two) with what’s unfolding in the moment between them.
APPLYING RELATIONAL QUESTIONS
Relational questions facilitate holding a not-knowing space. They draw the client and coach into being fully present with each other. That’s when the deeper work occurs – that of evoking new and unexpected client awareness in a way that leads to transformation.
Additional relational questions a coach might ask include, “Are you curious about how I’m experiencing what you’re saying?” and “What’s it like to hear me say this to you?” Questions like these make our coaching more powerful in three ways:
◆ Clients learn experientially that we impact on each other in ways we can’t know without asking.
◆ Clients discover having permission to express that impact with the coach.
◆ Clients develop relational awareness; that is, they become accustomed to seeing that we are connected all the time and therefore able to tap into that energy. This enhances their emotional intelligence and resilience
OVERCOMING IMPOSTER SYNDROME
Consider a client struggling with imposter syndrome. Traditionally, we might try to draw out their internalized doubts and help them see their professional strengths instead.
As the client develops relational awareness skills, they see the possibility of asking a colleague, friend or family member, “How are you hearing what I am saying?”
Asking this question shifts the focus from the client’s internal assumptions (“I know what’s really happening here”) to inviting others’ experience of them. The client puts themself in a position to consider if and how to incorporate others’ feedback. They become active creators of their conversation. This leads to greater client self-awareness and confidence.
I like to characterize this work of co- creating using “we-based” questions as a building up of one’s relational muscles. Once integrated and embodied, our clients can flex those relational muscles with others in ways that were previously inconceivable in their interactions.
ENHANCING GROUP & TEAM WORK
In professional settings, relational awareness can enhance teamwork and collaboration. Colleagues who understand and appreciate each other’s perspectives are more likely to work together effectively.
For instance, during team meetings, asking questions like, “How are we doing as a team?” or “What’s it like for everyone to hear this very different idea of how to achieve our goal?” can open up dialogue and build a more cohesive team dynamic.
In group coaching, asking questions that connect group members to each other helps build a sense of community and belonging. In the Life Development Groups I lead (composed of people with diverse issues – both personal and professional – that they want to work on and grow around), I might ask, “How is it for the group to hear so-and-so tell us the hard thing they are going through?”
This invites group members to share their experience in the moment and connect it with what’s happening in the group. A culture develops in which it’s acceptable for participants to babble, to stretch, to say something new, not about themselves, but in response to others.
Clients get to practice exercising their relational muscles and come to discover that they can engage with and even build with others in an authentic way. They come to embody the capacity to have hard, intimate conversations while also building their sense of belonging and community.
BRINGING COACHING’S CORE VALUE TO LIFE
Shifting to the “we” lens in our coaching requires utilizing a different conceptual toolbox. When we tap into it, we support our clients to build stronger relationships, communicate better and feel more connected. By developing relational awareness, they can become more mindful of their interactions, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships as well as enhanced teamwork and collaboration.
When we ask relational questions, we empower our clients to uncover their own strength and potential. This process of clients discovering their power is a core value of the coaching profession; it’s what makes our work so meaningful and transformative. I encourage you to start integrating relational questions into your sessions and see how this shift can lead to more impactful changes for both you and your clients.
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